more out of duty to the blogging massive than out of a sense of IHAVESOMETHINGTOSAY
Normally I premeditate these things, but today I thought I'd just write and see what comes out.
So I'm in yeovil. I've been working in yeovil since the new year, and I'm enjoying it a lot. For the past 5 years I've given myself to Bournemouth. I've prayed for it and cried for it and fasted for it and hoped for it. And maybe it made a difference, maybe it didn't. But for those five years I felt I had no choice. It was in my blood and I gave willingly out of a love. Really, it was no sacrifice. And five years on would I have done anything differently? Of course. But then retrospect is a deceitful gift. You can learn from it, sure, but I figure there's no point applying it, well, retrospectively. I would have done things differently if I'd known what I know now, but I wouldn't know what I know now if I'd done things differently. See?
Anyway, I gave Bournemouth five years, and I seem to remember a time, walking past St. Peter's church in the centre of town, when I had the strangest sense (God speaking?) that I would be here for five years. And look what happened. I started uni in bournemouth in 2000. At the end of 2005 I started work in Yeovil. How funny.
Why am I saying all this? I don't know. I said this would be a stream of consciousness.
I feel in the right place to be spending most of my time outside bournemouth. There are still lots of people there that I love a lot, and I am back there most weekends and I am happy to say I see most of them a lot, which I love. But right now I feel free to explore other places and other things. I'm thinking into the future and wondering, "where next?". Being at
GRACE Productions has opened my eyes to the world of TV, and I know that this is, in part at least, what I'm meant to be investing in. So that means I need to follow that. And right now that sense of "call" overrides any similar sense of "call" to a particular location. So I guess that's what I'm following.
I'm also very aware, having spent five years IN Bournemouth (and the rest of my life somewhere near) that I feel very green and more than a little naive. I have a strong desire to go other places and see other cultures and to spend some time experiencing new things. And I kinda feel that this is neccessary to forge a strong foundation for any creative expression I'm gonna come out with. I'm feeling the need to grow up a bit if I'm to make anything that has depth.
And funnily enough, that's kind of reflected in my faith journey too - that sense of "growing up". Not in terms of i'm getting to see and do more and more exciting things (which, in my naivete, I took as the sign of growing in faith). The growing up in faith is coming in the shape of heavy questions that don't have answers, doubts that don't have resolutions, and a general lack of faith all round. I used to want to be a Christian superstar (what a plonker) and now I'd really quite like to just remember who this Jesus guy is meant to be. Seriously - it's all a bit far-fetched, isn't it?
So that's the shape of things at the moment. I feel in the right place and feel that God has put me there, but on a good day I'm not convinced in all this God stuff anyway, so what does it matter? And the irony is (and I've said this loads) that while my faith feels more fragile than ever, it also feels more honest than ever. And it's funny because I wouldn't go back even if I could. I'd rather be honest in my doubt than naive in my faith - and I think Jesus would rather that, as well.
